Contemplations while mowing the lawn---besides thinking how non-lush our back lawn is (It feels like old carpet with too many worn spots), how nice our garden is looking compared to last year, and how lucky I was to finish mowing just before the sprinklers came on.
Actually my contemplating started last night after reading a newspaper column. The column is locally written and has become centered around the author's weight loss journey. He lost quite a lot of weight and has worked at having a more active and healthy lifestyle but has been putting the weight back on and falling back into bad habits over the past year. I have glanced at the column periodically but noticed that the topic was frequently how the author was struggling or falling short so I found it consoling but not exactly motivating. Last night it hit home and made me sad to read it as the author was talking about how hard it is to write a column about weight loss and then fail and how now he wants to do better. The man has a good sense of humor but his funny words are lightly coated with frustration and discouragement lurks between the lines. Last night's column was sad but motivating. I hope he hangs in there---maybe I can too.
I don't like to think of myself as overweight but I am because I weigh more than what I should and most importantly more than what I feel happy weighing. I bulge and I jiggle--too much of me moves when I move and seems to keep moving when I stop (sorry--lovely image) and I just look at myself out of the corner of my eye when I see my reflection in a full length mirror--hoping to see less of myself and afraid to see all of myself.
I was always the skinny kid growing up. I liked that identity. My parents thought it was great when I asked for seconds and I could eat whatever I wanted with no guilt. My mom even took me to the doctor once because she was worried about how thin I was. There was nothing wrong--I was just thin. I was always thin but I have also always had a sweet tooth and I have always equated eating with celebrating and having a good time. After I got married and started eating regular meals (that stopped during my college days and living-on-my-own days) I started putting on weight which at first was a good thing. Having babies and getting older naturally changed my body and my metabolism---but not my sweet tooth or my emotional connections with food. I found even more reasons to eat junk. To make a long story short...I eat too much of what I shouldn't, I eat for the wrong reasons, I don't exercise enough and I have been going to change all of that tomorrow, Monday, after the holidays, when school starts, after my birthday---I am headed down a predictable path with all of this...a path that goes in perpetual circles.
Anyway, I was thinking of how we get in our own way. I have been blessed with a good metabolism and pretty good health. I also have height in my favor and a build that is good at hiding excess weight. I have never been an athlete but I have done some athletic things. I ran a 5K a few years back, (I run like a hare for the first minute or two then I run like a turtle if a turtle could run) I've hiked, I've gone on river runs, I've Disco danced for hours and even went rock climbing once. I know I will not continue to escape the consequences of my bad eating habits. I have already had a few minor problems that could be a direct result of not treating my body as well as I should have. I was contemplating how possibly different my body and my life could be right now if I would have corrected my course long ago. Perhaps I would be running 10Ks or marathons, playing tennis with my kids, going on hikes or bicycle rides with my husband, or just simply not afraid to really look at myself in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I find enjoyment in my life and I do stay pretty active but I can't help but wonder...or worry...maybe I have passed on bad things to my kids because of my bad habits. I have already apologized for passing on bad eyesight and beige tooth enamel--those got passed on to me. My mom was always overly concerned about her weight--I was the only kid in my school--I thought anyway-- who took sandwiches made out of low-calorie bread and my dad had a major sweet tooth--maybe I am genetically hard wired to like sugar, sugar, sugar--but my dad had more self-control and he didn't give birth to four children. I don't know if I genetically passed on bad eating habits to my kids but I have set a bad example and maybe even caused problems for them when they were developing as babies---scary thoughts--One habit I hope to pass on is the habit of not giving up on trying to do the right thing. I'm rambling...surprised?
I wonder if there's a teenager out there who could be a marathon runner or an Olympic swimmer if they hadn't started smoking. I wonder what discoveries could have been made by a once bright young mind dimmed by prescription drugs or what great things could have been accomplished by someone whose confidence was lost in binging and whose boundless energy was suffocated by obeisity...
I know some people take excellent care of their bodies and still succumb to disease, but they did their best and that has to be a soothing balm compared with swallowing the hard pill of knowing you led yourself to your downfall. There are people who smoke and drink for years and end up living to a ripe (perhaps leathery and slightly pickled) old age but sometimes just living a lot of years doesn't win you any prizes. There are triathletes who die of heart attacks walking down the street. There are people who have never smoked who die of lung cancer. Life has interesting twists and turns and things that seem to our eyes incongruous or grossly unfair. I do know that there are no accidents with God---It doesn't make sense that something would catch him by surprise. I also believe that we do really reap what we sow in one way or another. I just can't help but think of the detours or short cuts or just plain bumpy roads we take because of our choices and how painful it would be to look back over our lives and see the times when we voluntarily left the road and what happened or could have happened on the smooth and clearly marked road while we were off bumping along on the ruts and eating dust. So much to think about...
I know there are people out there who have lost my whole body weight from their bodies. I know there are people who would like to be as thin as I am not. I know I am not the only one who shakes my head when I see current pictures of myself or thinks about putting a life size picture of myself of how I looked 30 years ago over my mirror to take the place of my reflection. I know I'm not the only one who thinks about how much better I need to treat my body while eating out of a bag of chocolate chips. Like the man in the newspaper column---I will keep trying to make better choices. And if my kids read this... I'm sorry...but you can rise above genetics and bad examples.
And---mowing the lawn is good physical exercise and good mental exercise---
