Wow it's been 2 weeks since I have written anything. I wonder if anyone has noticed???
Anyway...I have had a lot of thoughts darting around my mind looking for a spot to land to I will try and land them here and now.
First of all I forgot to mention in my last blog, which was itself a mishmash of thoughts, that I purchased some pinwheels to put on my garden fence. It adds a touch of whimsy that makes my heart smile. They are different colors and metallic so they catch the rays of the sun as well as the breeze. Something in me feels a kinship with things that are whimsical--perhaps because they have to do with the imagination--I looked up whimsy in the dictionary and wasn't really satisfied with the definition--but it is one of those words that the definition is more felt than read...
I have been thinking about fine lines lately, not the kind that women my age try to minimize or conceal (I do confess to thinking about those though---if only we women could think of them as fine as in really nice) but the kind that people speak of walking---balancing on a border between two things that are either opposite or very close in nature--one of which is desirable and the other is not. For example I have heard it said that there is a fine line between madness and genius or a fine line between conceit and confidence. I was thinking specifically of the fine line between helping our children overcome fears and traumatizing them. The other day in a public restroom I overheard a little boy who started fussing upon entering the restroom about his not wanting to dry his hands with the air blowers. It soon became apparent that he was very fearful of the loud noise the blowers make. He fretted the whole time he and his mother were in the restroom. His mother kept reassuring him that she had wipes that he could use to wash his hands so he would not have to use the air blower. She kept telling him he would be fine. I couldn't help but give a knowing smile because of the many memories I had of dealing with my own children's fears.
Sometimes as parents we downplay our children's fears--we sometimes even chide them or laugh. Why? We all have fears, some rational some not. When I was young we lived in a city where houses were built on hills and very often we would go for drives. I remember at least once when we were going down a steep hill and I couldn't see beyond the top of the hill that I was terrified that we were going to drive off the edge of the hillside and fall to our deaths. It sounds like an odd fear but it was very real and terrifying to me. I should have known that my dad wouldn't drive us off the edge of a cliff but fear tramples trust just as easily and completely as it crumples common sense. I think as parents our responsibility to instruct and discipline weighs so heavily on us that it can throw us off balance and we forget about our responsibility to nurture and love. Of course the scales can lean too far in the opposite direction sometimes too. The mother in the restroom could have forced her son to dry his hands under the noisy air blower in order to help him overcome his fear but in doing so she could have run the risk of making him forever afraid of air blowing hand dryers. That mother was wise and probably knew that giving her son some time to mature would take care of things so she just told him there was nothing to be afraid of but didn't push him. As parents we often walk fine lines. We don't want to push fears too deep while trying to help our children overcome them. It's kind of like getting a sliver out. Maybe sometimes what we perceive to be fine lines are really not that fine at all if we keep things in balance...
We went to a local amusement park last Saturday as part of my husband's company summer party. It had been over ten years since I had been there. I had intended to ride a few tame rides with my husband and maybe sip a cold drink while people-watching while our daughter and her friend went on the more exciting and popular rides. But something happened as I walked up to the ticket windows...I caught a glimpse of a new ride and I thought it looked like fun---the next thing I knew we were all waiting in line for that ride. I rationalized that rides don't last very long so I felt confidant that I could just hold on tight and close my eyes if necessary and survive a few terrifying minutes. The ride was crazy. It involved going up and down and sideways like a roller coaster but the individual cars would spin around at the same time so when you reached the top of a hill you would spin and it would look like you were flying off of the track (I've come a long way from being afraid of driving down steep hills). It made me feel a bit like a toy in a dog's mouth being shaken around but it was kind of fun and we moved on to the next adventure which happened to be a ride that involved going straight up a high hill (are they called hills on roller coasters---seems there should be a better word) and then straight down and on to sharp twists and turns that involved going upside down. You didn't climb the hill on this ride---you were shot up it out of a very brief tunnel. When we were waiting in line I kept looking for people who looked my age or older to reassure me somehow. I didn't really find any--well maybe just one or two. I did get a little worried about the signs on all of the rides we went on that said that pregnant women and elderly persons should not ride. Thankfully I didn't have to worry about the pregnant part (that would be much scarier at this point in my life than any extreme ride) but am I considered elderly? My kids sometimes say I'm old--I am really middle-aged--although I am precise when it comes to numbers and I can only really be middle aged if I live to be over 100--it could happen! You're only as old as you feel and when I felt the desire for fun kind of bubble up inside of me when I reached the ticket window I felt pretty darn young. Anyway we ended up being in the very front car for the ride which meant we got the best view of hurtling to the ground. After being properly restrained we waited while there seemed to be some sort of problem with the ride. That is always consoling in these kinds of situations. There I sat trapped in my seat while the ride operator looked at the computer console with a troubled look on his face and spoke to someone on a phone! The operators of the rides frequently look young enough that their parents still have a hard time trusting them with the family car but there I was--a potentially elderly person putting my life in their hands. I kept looking at the operator trying to tell him with my eyes (I think I might have told him with my mouth too) that if he had any doubts at all about the safety of ride then please do not send us on... Well we went and things were okay---crazy and wild--but okay. I kept my eyes open most of time and the ride even reached my laughing place. When I got off I felt almost giddy at having survived and I felt a little cooler and a little younger than when I got on. Much to my surprise I admitted that I wouldn't mind riding that ride again.
While waiting in line and almost melting in the sun I couldn't help but wonder about what human beings come up with for entertainment. We get on contraptions that spin and throw and bounce us around, that make our most recent meal soar up to our throats and our hearts thump wildly, and we call it fun and even pay money. My husband is a very good sport and rode all of the rides I did except one. As long as I could hear him laughing in the face of death I knew I was okay. We had a fun time and I was an interesting mixture of exhausted and enlivened. Our teenage daughter and her friend were tired but the difference between teenage tired and middle age tired is teenage tired goes away in a couple of hours but middle age tired settles in and stays for a couple of days.
The morning of our adventure ---several hours before my brief moments of rather tame daring---a young scout from Wisconsin died trying to jump the gap between two arches in Moab. That event has kind of haunted me. I experienced the sensation of falling when I rode the amusement park rides but I was strapped in and my chances of survival extremely good. I have had nightmares about falling off of high places and a part of me shudders as I imagine what it must be like to fall to your death. I looked at a picture of someone jumping the same gap and I could see how something like that could have tempted a young man of 18. It was only a 6 foot gap, other people had done it and survived. We all get dangerous impulses. We all make rash decisions. There have been times when I have done something stupid and immediately realized how dire the consequences of my actions could have been. Things like this are what scout leaders pray won't happen on their watch. Things like this are what parents don't want to think about when they send their children off on outings. My heart goes out to the young man's family and to those who were with him when he fell. It seems extra tragic that he made the jump but then lost his balance--at that moment did he realize he was taking his last breaths. Giving in to an impulse quickly ended a promising young life. It is so important most of the time to stop and think. I feel so sorry for all of the people--many of them young people--who end up being heart-wrenching examples of what can happen when you don't.
I think the expression that someone has fallen ill is interesting. It makes it sound like the person was walking along living life when they fell into a pot hole of bad health. Just yesterday someone I hardly knew passed away. It made me very sad. Doctors had found a brain tumor in January but they were observing it and last I heard it hadn't grown. She was Stake Young Women's leader in our stake. My daughter had just seen her at girl's camp last weekend and my daughter and I had recently agreed on what a neat lady she was. Then on Sunday we heard she was on life support and prayers were requested in her behalf. I don't know all of the details. It just seemed to happen so fast. People leave a space when they die--- a space that can be so hard to understand and accept.
I was talking this morning with a friend who cuts my hair and she said she is enjoying this summer because she is taking time to enjoy the warmth of the sun, taking time to watch the sun set. I have been complaining about the heat and looking forward to autumn. It seems we are always looking forward to something but then we complain about the way time goes by so quickly. I think we would do well to enjoy the moment--the season of the year--the season of our life.
Hopefully my thoughts have landed not too awkwardly. I think I will go out and watch the wind blow my pinwheels...
