As is usual for me this time of year I find myself looking forward to fall but I will miss the delightfully soothing mornings and evenings of summer---and even the lazy hot afternoons where you can sit outside for just a few minutes and listen to the bees buzz as you soak up the sun and you can feel the heat clear down to the inside of your bones...

 I really find peace and contentment in watering my gardens--and even weeding--in the coolness of a summer morning. I love to give the plants some renewing water and like to imagine them happily soaking their roots in it as the day heats up.

The butterfly bush has beautiful purple plumes right now, the impatiens are delicately and colorfully beautiful, and there is a fluffy white and purple carpet of allysum beneath the rose bushes that have caught their second wind.

Sometimes I have such a feeling of love and appreciation for the simple beauty of my garden that it overflows my heart and I want to hug all of the plants and thank them for living and growing and blooming and making my yard pretty---Really---it's true. There have been occasions when I have been out in broad daylight in the view of several other houses kind of 'petting' the leaves of my plants and softly saying 'thank you'. I have refrained from all out hugging because I don't want to give my neighbors any more cause for concern.  I guess you could say my flower gardens make me want to cry---thankfully this year---in a good way.

Those summer nights (except for warm sticky ones--I'm not a fan of those)...  they bring such a sigh of relief from the heat. It is great to go for walks on summer evenings beneath the 'starry dome of heaven' with a musical background of crickets. The nights seem to carry echoes of children playing and a faint smell of Popsicles--- leftover from earlier in the day---a time that seems so far away---a sweet breathing out after a long hot afternoon...

The other morning I felt a faint whisper of fall in the air. You know how when someone whispers in your ear it kind of tickles and feels soft and gentle against your skin---that's what it was like only it was the breeze that carried a whisper.

The older I get the faster time goes by...it can be a frustrating feeling like following a fly with your eyes and waiting for it to land and trying not to move or breathe or blink so that you can get it before it feels you coming. And the faster time goes by the more I find myself wanting to hold on tighter to moments---seasons---feelings---people. Normally this time of year I find myself weary of summer and eager to move on. I did mention to my daughter just today how I am tired of summer and of  being hot but my heart is holding onto the good things more and more...

I have had the experience several times of having a large portion of something sweet and rich placed before me and expressing my doubts about ever being able to finish it but then the next thing I know there I am finishing up the last few bites---it's gone! That's the way it is with time.

Enjoy these last few flavorful bites of summer!

To see the Summer Sky
Is Poetry, though never in a Book it lie -
True Poems flee.
~Emily Dickinson

Skin deep?

There is a billboard that kind of rankles me---Isn't that a great word---rankles. The billboard shows a picture of a beautiful young woman and the sign says, 'Make your inner beauty jealous'. Interestingly enough I couldn't remember what company the ad represented so I had to look it up to find that it is of course for a beauty salon. I thought it was for plastic surgery or something. Anyway...inner beauty to me is something special--something genuine--not something that would get jealous. The ad is clever and the statement is bold. I enjoy clever and creative ads but the idea of making your inner beauty jealous rankles me because it devalues inner beauty. That is not too surprising considering that we live in a society that places great value on outer beauty and on top of that, modern advertising frequently combines clever with crass which for me makes an unsettling combination.

Don't get me wrong, I think women should take care of themselves and do what they can to present a beautiful face and fit (nicely covered) body to the world. I have used makeup from the moment my parents first let me and I really enjoy going to the beauty salon to get my hair cut and styled. Makeup makes me feel dressed up and good hair days help me face the world more confidently. I must admit having a hard time letting people beyond my own family see me without my hair and makeup done (In the past whenever I have gotten up my courage and decided I looked okay people have expressed concern either vocally or through their facial expressions about my health).

Even some really young girls feel a need to not only wear make-up and have their hair done but also deem it necessary to be tanned, have their nails done, their teeth whitened,  and be waxed , polished, and enhanced in order to truly look their best. That is a costly attitude not just financially but emotionally. It sets expectations at a high and often unrealistic level  and perhaps the worst result of all is that it pushes inner beauty farther down on the list of important qualities. Besides if so many people weren't obsessed with looking beautiful then the rest of us wouldn't feel so bad about our unruly hair, our pasty white skin,  our unpolished nails, or our off-white teeth. I am pretty low-maintenance and definitely not beauty salon savvy because I am lazy and a cheapskate. There are some fortunate people who are naturally beautiful and we should really try to be happy for them and not mad at them. One of my daughters has said that she thinks that no one is ugly. I think that is a good attitude. There is beauty in everyone. We all know people that may be considered plain or even homely by some people's standards but we don't think of them as anything less than beautiful because of who they are. I think the most beautiful people are beautiful from the inside out.

I probably shouldn't get so rankled about a billboard. It will only add to the creases in my forehead. (Gasp!) I just think that it is pretty silly to think of our outer beauty competing with our inner beauty. They should compliment each other and not compete. There is enough contention to deal with without our insides turning green with envy because our outsides look so darn good!

I think I will go and try to do something with my hair and dark circles and while I'm at it say a prayer of gratitude that I have hair and eyes to see my dark circles---in hopes of touching up my inner beauty.

Just Wait...

Mothers spend a lot of time waiting...

Over the course of the past few weeks I have found myself in situations where I felt a significant---to the heart of womanhood connection with other women.

When I was registering my daughter for school there were many mothers there waiting on the sidelines with checkbooks in hand while pictures were taken, schedules were worked out, and friendships renewed. Mothers were waiting as they walked to find lockers and classrooms. I had even asked my daughter prior to joining these waiting women if she just wanted me to send the checks with her but she wanted me to go...and I was very happy to go along and wait for her and with her and breathe in the youthful atmosphere of anticipation still heavy with the scent of the freedoms of summer.

The same daughter I accompanied to school registration also wanted me to go school shopping with her. Again, I was deeply grateful that she wanted my company and I must admit feeling pretty content to watch her spend her own money. She has a job and we all know how exhilarating it can be to have our own money from our first job...excitement and worry and a puzzling sense of frugality. Once again I found myself in the company of many mothers in the process of waiting while children tried on clothes that promised so much more than just being something to wear. I found myself frequently looking for a comfy chair from which to watch the impromptu fashion shows. My daughter reminded me to stay close by as my children are quick to remind me that I have had a habit in the past of straying too far from the dressing room and wandering through the store so that I am nowhere to be found if they need my opinion. This is somehow ironic because normally I am trying to get them to stay put so I can give them my opinion.

Anyway...from my viewpoint (on an assortment of chairs, cushiony cubes, over-sized stools, or out-of-the-way places to stand--preferably with a rack or wall to lean against) I witnessed several poignant moments between mother and child as differing opinions boiled into frustration or similar tastes mingled into mutual agreement. Mini dramas and comedies played out before my eyes and I could relate as I kept holding up shirts or skirts or pants that I thought my daughter might like and my selections would be viewed with thinly veiled disgust,  shocked disbelief, or sometimes a surprised look of approval and even interest. (I cannot begin to tell you how good it felt to watch my daughter like and actually purchase something I spotted) While being observer and participant in back-to-school shopping I could almost feel memories swirling around me of a time when all of those mothers were shopping with their mothers and harboring their own secret desires of being admired for their amazing fashion sense.

At the beginning of this week two of my daughters and I went to Baskin Robbins for a family night treat/ reward for doing some clean-up work in the basement and as we were leaving we saw a mother-to-be dash in for an evening treat just before closing time. I think she stood out to me as the perfect example of how much waiting mothers do and where it all begins...although really a woman's waiting begins long before pregnancy---but that could be the topic of another blog...

All of these experiences have got me to thinking about waiting and its place in the life of a woman. The very act of waiting could be seen as feminine in nature. There are ladies-in-waiting who wait to attend to their ladys' needs (Interesting that waiting and serving are so closely connected) and pregnant pauses--breaks in conversation or oration that fill us with anticipation as we wait to absorb their meaning. Why is it that Father Time is a father and not a mother???

I have spent much of my time as a mother waiting. I have waited for my children to arrive on earth, waited for their first smile,  for teeth to come through, for them to walk and talk and feed themselves---and waited for them to be potty-trained, to get out of school or soccer practice or dance class, to finish homework and school---to come home at night, to get married, to have children of their own---waited for them to get a clue, to understand me,  to forgive me...I have come to the conclusion that I am thankful for all of this waiting because it has given me time to contemplate being a mother, time to understand my children, time to remember and plan and dream, time to ponder life and the passage of time...

Mothers can always find something to do while they're waiting.

What's Up?

I have come to the conclusion that we as human beings spend too much time looking down.

Not long ago I stepped out onto our back deck to gaze at the night sky with my husband. I never cease to be amazed, awed, and intrigued by looking at the stars...

I remember when I was young and I would stretch out on my back on the lawn at night and look up at the sky and get lost in the stars. It was very comfortable space travel with the solidness of the earth just beneath the cool grassy carpet against my back and the soothing cool night air breathed in lazily. Of course I experienced  the standard feelings of smallness and insignificance but I was also visited by a curiosity that took up residence in my soul--a deep wanting to know---how I fit into something so vast, why I was where I was--or when I was or why--- I was...

Getting back to that night on the deck ...I looked up and saw a multitude of stars but there was one spot directly above me that captured my attention. There was a small cluster of stars and as I looked at them I glimpsed for a moment so many more stars beyond that cluster--beyond the reach of my seeing-- that I could almost see--but not quite. I was fascinated and excited by the idea that the number of stars I could see with my naked eye were like grains of sand that brush across the tops of my bare feet when walking on the beach compared to the number of grains of sand that make up the entire beach...

As I have grown older when I look at a starlit sky I still feel small but at the same time I feel important precisely because I am so small and insignificant and that is at once humbling and comforting.  In comparison to the universe I am but a speck of life but I do live and breathe and think and feel and laugh and love and hurt and take and give...In the Bible we are told that a sparrow does not fall without God noticing and that the hairs of our heads are numbered. LDS scripture tells us that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. I am small and insignificant but I believe God knows my name and who and why I am. Perhaps we need to feel small before we know that we are a part of something bigger and more important than ourselves.

The night sky tantalizes the human mind with possibilities and a depth of meaning that tugs at us as we feebly but persistently scratch away at excavating the treasures of our souls. The term 'naked eye' so often used in connection with star gazing is an interesting term---one that gets me to thinking about just how much we can see with our naked eye and the sometimes astonishing amount of things we miss with our naked eye---like walking past a window several times a day and not really seeing what's outside...

I see more and more people, myself included, spending a significant amount of time looking forward at a movie screen or a computer screen or looking down at a phone or an IPod---I think if we spent more time looking up both literally and figuratively we would feel lighter somehow and we would see more or the possibility of more...

Ramblings---Toward the end of May I got bronchitis which made it a bit taxing to walk to work. Luckily my work is not far from home so it was survivable. When I was on the mend I needed throat lozenges to help keep me from coughing while walking and one day I started coughing soon after I put in the throat lozenge. The lozenges did such a good job of keeping my throat from getting dry they caused my mouth to generate too much saliva and that made me cough. For some reason it made me giggle to think of the irony of choking on a throat lozenge---luckily I didn't giggle too much or I would have choked...

Since getting a part-time job my existent appreciation for women who work has deepened. My job involves a small number of hours each day but I still find it challenging to get everything done. It seems it is getting harder for me to pack my days full. I should just take the same approach to packing my days as I do to packing a suitcase. I usually fit everything I need and a few things I want into my suitcase. However, when packing I usually take a lot of things I don't need. Do I do that when packing my days? Yes. (I didn't have to think about that for long at all)

 By the way, walking to work is quite delightful. We miss a lot when we drive.

Yesterday I ate a perfectly ripe pear. Before I ate the pear I tried another pear that I thought was ripe but as soon as I started peeling it I knew I was wrong. It was crunchy. Crunchy is good in apples but not so much in pears. Anyway, I was musing about how when we pick a fruit that isn't ripe we are disappointed but we usually don't blame the fruit. We realize it was an error in our judgement that made us pick the fruit before it was ready to meet our expectations. But when it comes to people if they are disappointingly under-ready we tend to blame the person without thinking it could be an error in our judgement in expecting them to be perfect. Something to think about...

I have decided yet again to try and develop a healthier relationship with food. Perhaps I have mentioned before that I have more than one sweet tooth and I sometimes eat like a garbage disposal. I am always going to start eating better tomorrow but then tomorrow turns into Monday and Mondays are lousy days to start diets so that turns into the next day or maybe the day after whatever holiday is approaching...You get the picture. I know at my age I am embarking on an uphill battle when trying to lose weight but I am tired of bulges. Jiggling is fun when it comes to Jello but not when it comes to one's body.

I define a healthy relationship with food as one in which I do not think of food as my best friend, my confidante, my designated driver (as in motivator), my drug of choice, my crutch, my comfort---or my tormentor, but I think of it as fuel. Food enlivens and invigorates. Eating is one of the most pleasurable uses of our senses and seeing  food for what it really is doesn't mean we can't fully enjoy it. So I am trying to make wise choices and give my body what it needs to perform at its optimum level. I am eating less and exercising more. I am going to try and take the time to really get to know the food I eat. I will be a thinking eater but be careful not to over-think---if that makes even a tiny bit of sense. I want to savor and appreciate food and it is easier to do that if I go for quality and not quantity.

My daughter found a great quote that says something like this---If hunger isn't the problem then food isn't the answer---I need to repeat that to myself frequently.

Enough about my weaknesses---I scrubbed my kitchen floor today, emptied a bag of dog food (that was in the way) into the dog food bin, vacuumed and dusted, polished cabinets and counters---and all of that mostly before noon. Household chores can be very cathartic. We make things clean, smooth, shiny---we straighten, fold, and tuck...everything in its place. Housework is good because we can see immediate results (again and again). Now there are all of those other areas like improving my skills, mothering, being a good wife, doing family history, being a good friend and neighbor, working on goals -those big ongoing projects that crowd around me breathing down my neck reminding me they need attention---I think I will go iron. Then I can hang up all of the nicely pressed items and feel accomplished while trying not to think of all the wrinkles that still need to be ironed out...

Like is truly good

Easter

Hard to believe that Easter has come and gone---now it is time to emerge into the light and feel the warmth of the sun, stretch our winter stiff limbs and shake off the weariness of our hibernation---
I found a lovely quote by Katherine Lee Bates (yes she wrote America the Beautiful) describing Easter---
It is the hour to rend thy chains
The blossom time of souls (Doesn't the blossoming of souls sound miraculous and splendid with a promise of being everlasting)

Easter is not merely a holiday---it is a celebration of life.  It celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ and his gift of resurrection to all mankind and on a deeper level it is a time to ponder the significance of the Atonement to mankind as a whole and individually. Yes there are Easter eggs and beautiful new dresses and bonnets all arrayed in the pastel palette of earth as it takes a breath of fresh new air----tender new green grass, baby pink buds on the trees,  blushes of lilac, the soft blue of the sky ----all warmed by the gladsome yellow glow of a stronger sun....everywhere we look the earth is returning to life and within us seeds of hope are stirring...

Easter at it's most joyous is a personal celebration---a cherishing of a gift given selflessly and at great cost---a gift given out of a love so pure it is almost incomprehensible to our mortal understanding but a love we so much want and need to understand---a love that brings joy too great to hold in small hearts--a love that expands hearts...

I do go on---again and again. Anyway, we were able to attend a Presbyterian Easter service last Sunday and hear our daughter play in a bell choir as part of the service. It was a unique experience. I especially liked something called 'passing of the peace' where everyone was encouraged to shake the hands of people near them and wish them peace. It felt good to connect with people in that manner. It was also wonderful to hear the choir (and anyone from the congregation who wanted to participate) sing the Hallelujah Chorus. I have always associated that with Christmas but it is inspired music that is very powerful---that reminds us that we truly are spiritual beings having an earthly experience and it felt right to hear it expressing the joy that is Easter.

"There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter. The babe Jesus of Bethlehem would be but another baby without the redeeming Christ of Gethsemane and Calvary, and the triumphant fact of the Resurrection."
Gordon B. Hinckley

I guess what I really want to say is that I had nice Easter---I hope you did too!

Fun With Leafy Green Vegetables

It's a rainy day and I have long loved rainy days. They make me want to curl up under a grandma quilt and take a nap or take a cozy journey through the pages of a good book. We have a high likelihood of flooding this year though so as fond as I am of rain it isn't the best forecast right now...

The other day when I was grocery shopping I was passing through the produce section on my way to the check stands and I heard a noise behind me that sounded a bit like heavy footsteps. When I turned around to see the source of the noise I saw that 4 or 5 heads of lettuce had fallen on the floor. There was no one else in the produce section but me (which was actually a bit odd now that I think about it) and I had not touched the lettuce.

Why did they fall at that particular moment in time??? Had one bold head of lettuce decided to set off on an adventure and convinced others to follow? (Come lett-uce go...)
Had several heads gotten together and simultaneously made a daring leap---perhaps cheered on by the other heads of lettuce?? (lett-uce entertain you)
Was it a sign that I should eat healthier???

Well Mondays can be hard enough without subjecting you to any more produce puns---so perhaps I will attribute the strange timing of falling lettuce to the more logical and scientific explanation offered by my husband---things settle and the settling of the lettuce could have been triggered by the intermittent sprays of water---definitely plausible but not nearly as much fun... Besides...somewhere in the back of my mind I vaguely remember a similar occurrence recently with something else falling off of a shelf when I was the sole person in the vicinity. Either I need to lose more weight than I thought or there is just something about me that seems to upset the balance of things. That is kind of an unsettling thought...

Other things to ponder about the produce aisle----
Why do I always want an apple or orange that is on the bottom of the pile---maybe I should just walk past and the one I want will fall onto the floor...
One sure way to learn patience is to try opening a plastic produce bag----without spitting on your fingers...
 I worked with a girl once who would break of the bottom of broccoli because she didn't want to pay for a part she wasn't going to use--a part that accounted for most of the weight. I guess that is why broccoli crowns are more expensive--you are paying for someone else to break off the useless part---(actually broccoli stalks are quite good but you have to peel them) I could kind of see my co-worker's point but following that line of thinking would lead to people peeling their oranges and bananas before buying them--- and what about eggs--we don't eat the shells...

I think I will go find my book now --and a quilt--

Come To Your Senses

Just wondering... The other day when I was putting on my deodorant I couldn't help but notice how similar it is to the stick stain treater that I use with the laundry and I was wondering if somehow the two could be combined---then when you put on deodorant you would be preventing/treating underarm stains at their source at the same time you would be dealing with perspiration and odor... What about a dog brush that attaches to your vacuum---seems like giving your dog a thorough vacuuming could save you from vacuuming pet hair from the furniture...the attachment could be made to feel like fingers so it would remove excess hair and give your dog a soothing massage... How about hairspray that would be a kind of a finishing spray---that wouldn't just hold your hair in place but would keep your makeup looking just-put-on fresh and your clothes from wrinkling. Think of how helpful that would be when it came time for family pictures---you could just get the whole family spruced up,tell them to smile, and spray---everything would stay in place---including the smiles... I recently noticed reserved parking spots just outside the front door of a fitness center. That seemed a little funny to me---it's a fitness center---you would think they would want to encourage their patrons to park farther away...Maybe there should be parking spots way out in Egypt(or whatever colloquial label you prefer to call the nether regions of the parking lot---obviously you wouldn't refer to it as Egypt in Egypt)marked as reserved for health conscious people--it would be interesting to see people fighting over those spots---and of course highly unlikely---and what if the prime parking spots were marked as reserved for lazy people????? After such goofy, random thoughts... I was thinking about how wonderful our five senses are---how they help us fully partake of this wonderful world Heavenly Father created for us and help us enjoy and appreciate our physical bodies. Through our senses we are able to create mental images that we can use as building blocks for imaginative pursuits or detailed memories. Our senses supply our minds with information, stir our hearts with strong emotion, touch our spirits, and indeed feed our whole soul. Of course our senses can bring in positive or negative stimuli but I would like to focus on the positive for the moment. Think of how refreshing a fresh-peeled orange smells or how satisfying a slice of warm homemade bread with melting butter and honey or fresh strawberry jam tastes. I love how soft lamb's ear plants feel(I just stepped outside and noticed mine have come up and I felt them and they are oh so soft) or a bunny that is so soft you almost can't tell when you're touching it--or the sweet softness of a new baby's skin. I have a bouquet of flowers sitting on my table that my husband so thoughtfully surprised me with and I keep looking at them (and sniffing them) because they are such beautiful, colorful, and delicate creations. Our three large trees along the fence in our backyard have all died and even more than their shade I miss their sound---the lovely sound of the leaves brushing against each other in the wind---a gentle, soothing rushing water sound... It is interesting that when we wax poetic our senses can become interchangeable or flexible in their descriptions. For instance I wanted to say that I can't get enough of drinking in the beauty of my flowers--of course they do not quench my thirst but I soak in their lovliness like dry earth soaks in rain--thankfully and eagerly and deeply. Women often refer to babies as being delicious (most often older women)--well thankfully we aren't referring to tasting the babies--perhaps just nibbling on their tender little ears--but babies do sate a hunger for innocence and purity and hope. We speak of tasting things that are not eaten, seeing things that cannot be seen, smelling emotions instead of odors...I think one reason we do this is because we have a desire to more fully use and understand our senses. I go through too many days under-utilizing my senses and that can be like just using paper to write on or just using a blanket for warmth. Paper can be used to make airplanes or hats or dolls or decorations...Blankets can be used to build tents or make super hero capes or to give someone a ride on...Too often I just use my eyes to see where I am going and not to see what I can see along my way--too often I use my ears to hear big loud sounds and miss the little soft sounds like birds chirping--often I see how pretty the roses are but I don't take time to smell them and touch their softness--feel their life--their spirit---or I garden without fully appreciating the feel of the earth--much too often I eat without really tasting--savoring... How fortunate we are if we have the use of all five of our senses. Think of experiences in which you can use all five senses---like walking through a garden--your eyes taking in the shapes and colors--your ears hearing the buzz of bees--your skin feeling the warmth of the sun--your nose breathing in the rich floral and earthy scents--and your tongue feeling the cool wet of water from a garden hose... The phrase 'coming to your senses' is most often used to mean becoming more aware-more connected-more sensible. I think when we take our senses for granted then we are just letting them bring things to us. Maybe we need to stop once in awhile and actively reach out with our senses---like a blind person reaching out to feel someone's face to 'see' what they look like---we need to reach out with our senses and see, hear, taste, smell, and touch our world--our existence to 'see' what it is really like... Gives new meaning to Extra Sensory Perception--- Enjoy!

Do You Have To Act Like Such An Animal?

Monday's Wash Line--- I have come to the realization that I frequently get very angry with my dogs for acting like dogs--which is kind of similar to getting very angry at a 2-year-old for acting their age--it is more stress than I need and a waste of energy. I quick-mopped my floor today and I let my dogs back in the house while I was on the phone--which prevented me from yelling at them but also caused me to just watch helplessly as one of my dogs tracked mud all over the very floor I had just cleaned. He was very excited so he ran ALL over. Why can't my dogs stop and wipe their paws before coming in the house. Don't they see the mat? It is such a waste of all those cute mats that say 'Wipe Your Paws' when I have yet to meet a dog that reads...I think it is safe to assume that my dogs don't stop and think about the difference between the ground and a kitchen floor. They're dogs. Not long after the floor incident I was once again getting angry at the same dog for standing too close to the open refrigerator and sniffing food I dropped while trying to look for something. He's a dog and he's a dog from a hunting breed that is always hungry. If I had it wired into my genes to hunt for food (well I think maybe I do) and ate the same food twice a day everyday and could only eat when someone fed me then I would probably be excited when someone opened the refrigerator too and I would most likely even look longingly if something appetizing fell at my feet. Well---I found myself so irritated that I told my dog to get out of my face---this is the dog that only chooses to respond to food, dinner, treat, and his name ---did I really expect him to listen? After all, he had 'found' some very good food--why should I be mad at him??? If only he could show a bit more restraint---but he's a dog. Later I spilled some cream of chicken soup on the floor (did I mention the floor was clean?) and my same trouble-making dog had the audacity to run right over and start licking up the spill--getting his toxic dog spit all over. Why couldn't he have waited for me to wipe it up and then politely ask if he could lick the can? Because...he's a dog---he saw an opportunity and he took it--besides, he sees no problem with having dog spit on the floor--there is dog spit in my other dog's dish and he thoroughly enjoys licking it--there is dog spit on the cushion he likes to sleep on and he finds it very comfy--and there is dog spit on him and he never worries about how he smells...he's a dog. I was talking with my oldest daughter about my dogs and how embarrassed I am about their behavior and she said that between the two dogs we almost have one good dog. That's true. My mess making, nosey dog is good with people and doesn't bite their heels in an attempt to herd them and he isn't neurotic. My other dog is neurotic and scares people but she doesn't chew up things when she gets bored or try to take food off of the table. Luckily for them they each have some redeeming qualities---which is why they both still have a place to rest their furry heads and leave their spit. I need to be so much better at training my dogs---as soon as I get better at training myself---and it's fine to have high expectations for them but I do need to remember that they are dogs and they are going to act like dogs. Sometimes I even like it when they act like dogs. After all, none of the human members of our household look so ecstatic whenever I come home or are willing to do several tricks for one small treat or cozy up to me when I tell them to get out of my face or are so patient or forgiving as my dogs are because well..they are only human...

Monday wash line---my hair seems to have become resistant to hairspray. I have tried a couple of different kinds of hairspray and they hold for a short time but I find myself needing to re-apply several times a day which is unusual for me. Perhaps this is another one of those changes that go along with growing older...or maybe my hair has just finally built up an immunity to hairspray. It is an interesting problem especially considering that usually these days I am more concerned about parts of me being too good at stiffly staying in place...Maybe companies that sell hairspray decided they could make more money if their product's effectiveness was shorter-lived.

Anyway...I have now had a week to get used to Daylight Savings Time and I am still disgruntled about losing an hour. My husband is convinced that congressmen just want more golfing time...what's funny about that is I recently learned that the concept of saving day-light is credited in part to an outdoorsman who did actually want more daylight in order to have more time to golf. I was wondering what would happen if some people got increasingly greedy and pretty soon we would set our clocks ahead not one but six hours. At least then teenagers could sleep almost until noon and still be up at sunrise. .. and people could have plenty of time to golf after work...so that probably won't happen...I just don't take kindly to people messing with time (unless it is for time travel but everyone knows you need to be really careful with that) and I especially don't like losing an hour of sleep! I have always been a bit obsessive/perplexed/frustrated/fascinated about the passage of time.

A bit obsessive---I am a clock watcher. I think that is one reason why I do not wear a watch (that and the fact that I forget to wear one---it is one more thing to leave lying around) because I would probably spend too much time looking at it and I would rather guess-timate what time it is. I wake up several times during the night to look at the clock (notice I do not call it my clock) on my nightstand. I started doing this as soon as I reached an age where I needed to get up at a certain time each day. This can get a bit annoying and tiring to the point of sometimes covering the clock so it won't sit there daring me to look but I do find delicious comfort in waking up and looking at the clock to discover that I still have several hours left to sleep before I need to get out of bed. I never just look at the time when I wake up during the night---I automatically start doing a countdown of slumber time remaining. I do something similar on vacations... I begin from day 1 to figure how much time I have left on vacation---I have 5 nights and 4 days left---3 days left---1 day left---4 hours left until the vacation clock stops...I do this no matter what the length of the vacation. It is kind of like the opposite of watching the clock during the last hour of the school day or work day and counting down the minutes remaining. At least I know I am not the only person who does that.

My parents were both very punctual people. My father was in the army so being on time was essential for him. It was a matter of respect. When I was growing up our family was usually first to arrive at most functions. My parents thought if we weren't 5 minutes early then we might as well be late. I grew up being seriously concerned that the world would come to an end if I were late. I still frequently have nightmares about being late for important appointments. This would probably come as a surprise to several people because I am very often running late. You see when I married the man I love he helped me realize that the world doesn't come to an end if you're a few minutes late. That is a good thing but I became a little too relaxed by this new revelation. I think I am naturally a person who enjoys taking my time---who balks at the constraints of time---I am proof that punctuality is not genetic. My mother would always recite to me the old adage 'Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today' and I was quick to revise that, much to my mother's dismay, to 'Don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow'.

A bit perplexed and frustrated--- It seems odd that a clock-watcher like myself could be often running late or that someone with such an acute awareness of the passage of time could be a procrastinator...I seem to be always struggling for control when it comes to time. Time management can be quite the conundrum...you see in order to control time you need to allow yourself to be controlled by time...I get frustrated feeling like I do not have enough time and I watch the clock and fool myself into thinking I can somehow manipulate time in my favor. It's like leaving yourself 20 minutes to make a drive that you know takes at least 25 minutes on a good day or fooling yourself into thinking that you have plenty of time to do that important something you know you should do ---that you have an endless supply of some days---when deep down you can feel a clock ticking because it is a fact that each of us has a time limit on this earth. Maybe punctual achievers respect time and procrastinators fear time...I don't know...I will give this further thought--- tomorrow.

A bit fascinated--- I remember when I was very young I saw a movie called King's Row and I was positively intrigued by how a 2 hour movie could cover a life time. I was so fascinated by the passage of time and how the characters aged. I have always been equally captivated and frustrated by stories that play with time---recently I got sort of addicted to netflix streaming of the show 24 that spread twenty-four hours in one day into twenty-four episodes spanning several months. It was an innovative concept but it was too violent and it would raise my blood pressure to unhealthy levels(probably because it had a running clock in the corner).

I find it interesting how many analogies can be drawn between time and money. Actually a phrase is often used in the working world---'time is money' that defines time as valuable. We can make, save, spend, waste, and invest time. I can picture each of us being given a sack filled with time---golden dust---sands of time---at the beginning of our earthly journey and we are told to use that sack of gold dust wisely on our journey. Some of us decide we want to save our sack of golden time until we get where we are going and we are so focused on reaching success that we fail to notice that there is a small hole in the bottom of our sack and as we move along in our journey the precious time gradually runs out. At some point---for most of us closer to the end of our journey---we realize what is happening. Some people try to move faster before the bag is empty. Others move more slowly thinking that will prevent the gold from running out so quickly. Some panic and stop in the middle of the road trying to fix a hole that can't be fixed. Some plod along murmuring that others seem to have fuller sacks. The smart ones press forward finding good things to do with the gold that they have and with gratitude for how far they have come---similar to the parable of the talents.

Frequently the words to a hymn pass hauntingly through my mind. It is called Improve the Shining Moments. Time flies on wings of lightning; We cannot call it back. It comes, then passes forward Along its onward track. and if we are not mindful, the chance will fade away, for life is quick in passing. 'Tis as a single day. Sobering...

As I have been contemplating the fascinating topic of time I have thought of another song---Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce, who interestingly enough left this existence after quite a short period of time. Think of having bottles of time next to bottles of peaches and salsa (cans in my case) in your storage room. Who wouldn't feel secure having shelves of bottled time with labels like---Time to visit with old friends--Time to cradle sleeping children--Time to learn new things--Time to ponder life--Time to sit in the shade--Time to read a good book--Time to make gourmet meals--Time to do your nails--Time to smell the roses--Time to appreciate good people in your life--Time to express heartfelt love--Time to travel--Time to clean the top of the refrigerator...What would your labels read?

I remember hearing a talk about time management and the speaker said that each of us is given 24 hours in a day and that when we say we didn't have time to do something it would be more honest to say we didn't 'make' time. We can all make time---we have the recipe with our individual adaptations---but sometimes we spend too much time looking for it.

I guess it is better to try to keep time on our side than to race against it and that it is foolish to look forward to having the time of our lives when we are having the time of our lives. Well, I had better go because the clock in the corner of my computer is really making me nervous...today I think I will time how long my hairspray lasts---it could be useful information...

My Friend Denise

Yesterday morning while I was exercising with my friend Denise (Denise Austin--maybe you've heard of her) I had a few thoughts get their aerobic exercise running through my mind...

First, isn't it utterly amazing how our brains can be deep in thought and still control our bodies? I was thinking about something--okay I was worrying--and nothing distracts me from that--and suddenly I realized that I continued doing my exercise routine even though my mind was focused elsewhere---it was like my brain had put my body on auto-pilot. This same type of situation frequently happens while driving. I will be pondering some deep subject (like whether to have rice or pasta with dinner or what color of lipstick makes me look thinner...) and my body will keep driving--my foot will push on the accelerator and my hands will steer. The only problem is that while I am in this auto-pilot zone I will just keep going and going right past my destination. I have spent a good amount of time and gas turning around---I like to think of it as 'taking impromptu scenic tours'. Equally amazing is how we can participate in conversations while our minds are roaming far away from the topic at hand. All of this tells me that our brains are fascinating mechanisms that could only have been designed by God, that there are times when multi-tasking is potentially dangerous, and that I need to keep my mind on a shorter leash...

Another thought was how many people come in and out of our lives, some of them playing important roles, who we really don't know much about . My original OB GYN helped bring three out of four of our children into the world and helped me with various female afflictions for a period (appropriate word choice I guess) of over twenty years and I knew a little about him but not much really for knowing him so --well---intimately-- for so long...And what about the people who we only come in contact with for a brief time but who have an impact on our lives---like doctors who perform surgeries on us or who put us to sleep for those surgeries---I usually get no more info on them than their name or perhaps where they got their medical degree. I never know their favorite color or what they like on their pizza--and I put my life in their hands for a time. Then there are the strangers with whom we exchange a few words of kindness or understanding while waiting in line somewhere. They might make us laugh or teach us something new ---depending on how long the line is we might find out how many kids they have or where they live but we often part ways without exchanging names. Most of the time we don't really need or want a lot of information about people who only drop in and out of our lives and yet sometimes we realize we feel like we're missing something--or that we have come close to having something...

And then...there are all of the people who impact our lives and we never meet them face to face. Think of all the writers, artists, musicians, athletes who touch us in some way--who affect our reality---so--change it really...people who don't know of our existence. Some people who affect our lives do so by bringing fictional characters to life for an hour each week or for the time it takes a movie to play...My favorite aunt and uncle took care of my aunt's mother in her final years and she loved the show Bonanza. Ben, Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe were like family to her. My dad near the end of his life would have a hard time distinguishing between television and reality. The two would sort of blurr together (which I'm sure was a bit scary since his favorite shows were crime shows). I remember when I was young (no I am not going to confess to still doing this...) I would write myself into my favorite shows. I am sure there are lots of people who are 'on' American Idol if only while performing in front of their bathroom mirrors...All of this tells me that we need to be very careful who we associate with---this of course applies to real live people and characters who are real to us.

This all brings me back to my friend Denise Austin. She has had the difficult task of being my personal trainer for almost 30 years now. She and I are about the same age and together we have battled post-baby bulge (she has fared much better than I have) in the past and she is currently helping me wage war against all of the middle age that has settled around my middle. Denise always keeps up with the latest in Lycra/spandex fashion and her hair and make up have changed appropriately with the times. Frequently she gets a little mixed up in her directions (hey. I am doing well if I can exercise and think deep thoughts let alone do that and smile continuously and chat without ever getting out of breath) and sometimes her delivery borders on cheesy (she has unknowingly provided entertainment in the past for my kids who burst into fits of giggling watching her) I must confess that there have been several times when I have grumbled when she perkily asks, 'Doesn't that feel good?' and I have learned that she has many 'favorite' workouts and all of them cause pain---But I can't help but smile when she tells me to keep going I'm 'burning butter' and I will push through pain because I really believe I will someday obtain 'a great rear view' or 'rock hard abs'. Denise's energetic approach is contagious and she really knows her stuff. Our friendship has lasted through VHS and DVD and we have gone from fat-burning aerobics to body toning 'hit the spot' workouts to indoor walking to whole body workouts to yoga. So many shared experiences...I was thinking it might be nice to have her over for lunch---she would probably make me eat something healthy--maybe we will just continue to be exercising 'friends'.

Our minds and our bodies are indeed precious gifts... more precious than we usually take time to contemplate...

Does letting my mind wander while I exercise count as an out of body experience?

Twinges Tugs and Yanks

Each time my college age daughter comes home for a visit I find that I have a bit of a hard time telling her goodbye. I feel little wistful twinges in my heart when she leaves. She has been 'out of the house' now for almost 2 years so the little twinges are not unfamiliar.

When a baby moves out of its mother and into the world the cutting of the umbilical cord physically separates mother and baby but never are the two spiritually or emotionally separated. Around that same moment of physical separation an unseen cord takes over and whereas the purpose of the umbilical cord is to pass nourishment from mother to child, this unseen cord or bond carries nourishment between the souls of mother and child. Through this bond the child is fed protection, encouragement, experience, and love through the efforts of the mother and the mother is fed wonder, joy, fulfillment and hope through the successes small and large of the child. The absence of either mother or child leaves a lingering hunger and yearning...

Twinges and also tugs and even yanks are not unknown to mothers or to mothers' hearts. A mother's heart experiences an excited twinge of anticipation when she first learns she is to be a mother--followed by a tug of awe at the incredible sensation of the very first tiny flutterings of life stirring within her. Her heart is then all but yanked with joy when her baby is first placed in her arms. From that moment on a mother and her heart are pulled in so many directions...her skirts and pant legs are tugged on, she is pulled toward something exciting to see or in the direction of something desired and at some point even yanked quickly in an opposite direction to avoid running into the latest object of her child's affection.

A mother is well acquainted with having her heart strings tugged---out of curiosity I did a little research on the origins of that phrase. It seems that long ago those in the medical profession believed that the heart was held in place by nerves and tendons---heart strings---so tugging on heart strings jostles the heart or affects our deepest emotions. Personally, I picture heart strings attached to the heart so tugging and pulling on them can cause strain, discomfort or even pain. Some gentle tugging of the heart is similar to those little hands tugging on our pant leg to get our much needed attention..it is pleasant---not all tugging on the heart strings is painful but I believe all tugging on heart strings has a softening effect on the heart...

Each one of my children has caused tugging on my heart strings several times...

I remember when my oldest daughter was a toddler if she saw me crying she would run and get me a tissue. She was concerned about me and was offering help in the best way she knew--that pleased my heart with gentle twinges of gratitude for her young and tender caring. This daughter is now married and is a tender-hearted mother with two little ones tugging at her heart and of course that tugs wistfully at mine just watching her life unfold...

I remember watching my son when he was just a little boy try to stay up on roller skates. He would fall again and again but he kept getting back up and my heart was tugged with admiration for his persistence and then when he was older we were at the same skating rink and he was determined to join in the event of jumping off a ramp in his roller blades. I remember holding my breath and saying several quick prayers as he skated forward picking up the necessary speed before the jump. I wanted so much for him to succeed. He jumped and landed respectably on his feet and my heart was tugged hard with relief and pride in his success.

I remember standing by helplessly as my second daughter had her heart broken by a somewhat oblivious young man who hadn't realized the many costs to my daughter of allowing her to entrust him with her heart. (handing him the strings so to speak) and my heart was tugged to the point of anguish by her disappointment and sorrow. But just the other day she happily announced that she had flirted with a boy---her heart is starting to rally---and enjoyed it and my heart felt joyful little twinges on her behalf.

During one of life's many periods of adjustment my youngest daughter felt like she didn't have any friends. She felt lonely and undesirable. My heart was tugged until it ached for her loneliness...then the sun came out and there was a time when she had two dates in one weekend and my heart felt youthful twinges of her joy.

Sometimes as a mother I feel as if my heart has been pulled and twinged and tugged out of shape and even out of place. Sometimes I feel like my heart has been yanked so hard that it has suffered irreparable damage. At the same time we are fed and nourished by our children's triumphs and joys we are pained by their stumblings and sorrows. Our hearts are continually being worked over---pulled like taffy into hopefully something soft and yielding and sweet and pliable.

You know when you drop something between the washer and dryer or between cabinets or something falls behind your dresser and you reach as far as you can---straining to grasp what was lost---reaching until it's painful and you feel like you just can't stretch any farther? That is what it feels like when our children move away from us---whether it is walking by themselves for the first time without holding our hand, driving down the road without us in the car, finding someone besides us to love and to need, turning away from us because they want to do things their way, or going off to college---it tugs and yanks and tears at the very core of our being just trying to grasp what once was ours to protect and guide and what will always be connected...

I would like my daughter to understand that when she comes home from college the heart strings are relaxed and that just starts feeling really nice when once again it is time for her to go and I feel the beginning of a tug...

Snowmen And Other Whimsey

The day of our last snowstorm I looked outside at our snow-covered patio furniture and fancied snowmen and snow women (How come snow women is two words according to my spell check but snowmen is one word?) sitting at the table chatting. I don't know that I have ever seen a snowman sitting down---probably because they could be a bit of a challenge to build that way. Besides snowman have pretty short lives so why waste time sitting down...but if they ever did decide to take a rest I would love to have them do it at my patio table! I even felt a tickling urge to bundle up and go sit at the table myself just for fun but I really try to limit my family's (and my neighbor's) concerns about my state of mind...It is probably good that I don't give into all of my unusual urges but this was one I should have indulged. It could have been great fun to go out and sit on the deck on a snowy chair and drink a cup of hot cocoa.

Anyway...accompanying my musings about the socializing of snowmen were memories of myself sitting at my patio table only months before trying to find refuge from the hot summer sun under the disappointingly warm shade of the table umbrella. I guess that is something I have in common with snow people---we both seek shade from the heat of the sun to prevent us from melting into a puddle.

Speaking of melting...when we build a snowman in the yard it ends up melting into the grass and flower beds so there is a little essence of snow in the fresh green grass and delicate pastel flowers of spring. If I entertained snowmen on my deck they would eventually melt down into the spaces in the deck and soak into the dirt underneath. So this summer when I subject my bare feet (and I always do) to the broiling heat of my deck I will think of the cooling possibilities of remnants of snowmen having passed through the soil below. The continuous cycle of life---life begetting more life--- and even death and decay begetting life---layers of life---always a fascinating miracle to ponder.

Well the 'day of love' has passed. (I am so glad we are not limited to one day a year to show our affection but it is kind of fun to have that be a special focus as long as our undying devotion doesn't get crowded out by chocolate and flowers and jewelry and perfume and all of the other wrappings and trappings of the holiday) My sweetheart treated me very special and I tried to make him feel special too. Years ago I had a humbling revelation that despite modern marketing viewpoints, Valentine's Day is for men too! Like everything else Valentine's Day has changed over the course of my lifetime. I miss brainstorming ideas for valentine boxes for school with my kids. I miss the excitement of leaving valentines on doorsteps as a kid and running away as fast as I could before someone could answer their door. This year I missed good old-fashioned conversation hearts. I must admit I have always been fond of their overly sweet chalky goodness but now they have been relegated to nostalgic fare at best. I picked up a bag of conversation hearts on my Saturday trip to the grocery store because I had been craving them and was looking forward to nibbling on them for a couple of days but when I got them home I was disappointed to find that they were tutti fruity conversation hearts! Where were my perfumey tasting purples, my anise flavored whites, my wintergreenesque flavored pinks, my wonderfully fake banana flavored yellows? I still ate several of the tutti fruity ones because---well they contained sugar and were still a bit chalky but they did not in any way satisfy my craving. I have found it a bit sad for quite some time that the conversation on the conversation hearts isn't quite what it used to be but now they have messed with the flavor and texture. You can find sour glittering hearts, Disney hearts, gummy hearts, and of course a myriad of chocolate hearts but I did not see any of the good old original conversation hearts in small or large size. Perhaps I waited to long to get them or maybe they have disappeared because no one else liked them but me. I finally threw away the rest of the fruity ones and bought myself a roll of Necco wafers to somewhat satisfy my craving. The flavors were good but I missed the thick pleasant chalkiness---kind of like what I think it would be like to chew on soft sandstone pebbles---maybe I have a deficiency of some sort...

We have a dinosaur sitting on our kitchen windowsill. It was a Christmas gift from my youngest daughter to her dad. It was inside of a volcano which was inside of a plastic container. The volcano erupted after adding vinegar and revealed a dinosaur inside that grew when you filled the container with water. It looked big and inflated for a time --kind of like me after eating all those holiday goodies-- and then we poured out the water and it has gradually shrunken down to it's original small size. I want to do that! Eventually I guess I will have to dispose of it but it kind of feels like it belongs there now and it has got me to thinking(I know it doesn't take much and it could be a dangerous thing)...you know how we tend to have to go to the bathroom a lot as we get older and we don't drink as much either---because then we have to go again---well maybe that's why we shrivel and shrink with age---we are losing too much water! Also, older people don't soak in the tub as much because of safety issues so see---there is more cause for shriveling. Maybe we should immerse ourselves in water for a few minutes each day and it would keep us looking youthful. Babies are immersed in water for nine months and they come out all shriveled but maybe it would have the opposite effect on an old person...

My brain is starting to feel mushy-slushy and I better quit before anyone reading this drowns in a puddle of nonsense.

Who would you like to see sitting in your patio chairs?

I mentioned at the end of my last post that I would say more about airport security screening. Well here it is...

Over the Christmas holidays our family got interested in a television series (via netflix---netflix is kind of like a metal detector--sometimes it will uncover treasures but only after uncovering a substantial amount of worthless refuse) called Lie to Me. It is about a group of psychologists whose specialty is reading micr0 facial expressions and body language which they apply to solving various cases--mostly of a criminal nature. The whole 'reading' thing is fascinating but unfortunately after the first season the show seemed to follow a familiar path for modern television dramas---once the producers hook people with an intriguing premise and interesting characters they start throwing in more sex and violence as if competing to see just how depraved they can make the criminal cases and just how non-private they can make the private lives of the regular characters. (I have fallen for several appealing lures only to find, like a hooked fish, that they are not only non-nourishing but not palatable---they get stuck in my throat and I wiggle around until I hopefully escape before being completely reeled in) Anyway......in the show there is a woman who is a natural at reading facial expressions and body language who is actually working for the Transportation Security Agency when she is spotted and hired by the two main psychologists. This finally leads me to my proposal for more efficient less intrusive airport security screening----

First have large screens that would show each passenger and then have teams of these trained psychologists (preferably all natural born talents in reading micro facial expressions and body language) study the screens. Anyone not passing their 'screen test' would have to step aside into a booth where a psychologist would do a face to face analysis to detect any potential threats. Anyone working as a member of these a-teams of impressive psychologists would have the extra incentive of possibly starting their own company or even being offered their own TV series.

After being carefully scrutinized by hypersensitive psychologists passengers would then need to pass through a line of well seasoned mothers. We all know from experience how good mothers are at knowing when some thing's up and especially how hard it is to hide anything from them. Considering all the blame mothers as a group have received from the profession of psychology it would be a bit of poetic justice to have the psychologists' work double-checked by a group of mothers...
If people weren't posing a threat but just hiding hurt feelings or insecurities then they could receive several motherly hugs and even some quick motherly advice making for much happier passengers. (Of course the mothers would have to be specially trained in non-meddling or it could take a while to get through the lines)

If the passengers make it past the psychologists and the mothers then they will just need to pass through some trained bomb sniffing dogs (I endure this everyday upon arriving home only it isn't bombs my dogs are sniffing) and then they will be allowed to fly the hopefully friendlier skies.

I think these innovative methods of airport security screening could work and all without taking off your shoes, being too thoroughly frisked or being violated by x-ray vision body scanners (which are of no medical benefit and will probably soon be found to cause cancer).

Seriously I think we should be thankful that we live in a country where someone is concerned for our safety and tries to take precautions to protect us but I do question the effectiveness of current methods. We all learn early in life that sometimes we get extra homework because someone else was misbehaving so we should be willing to trade some convenience for security but when it comes to airport security these days the line between protecting freedoms and violating them seems to be a fine line.

Today the sun is shining and making the snow sparkle. I feel like I could be in a snow globe surrounded by a crystal clear sky---as long as no one shakes it and gets the snow falling---- of course if I still pretended to be in a snow globe then the snow would be fun---that is the point of snow globes...

How is your view of the globe?
Take good care!

A good friend of mine who is very observant and apparently much better at math than I am pointed out that it hasn't been 10 months since my last post, only 6. I don't know how to explain my miscalculation---perhaps I was thinking of April instead of August or maybe it is because I seem to sometimes go on mini-vacations to another dimension...

That got me thinking about the twilight zone---not the television show--which was interesting but creepy--not the peppy song of that name by The Manhattan Transfer--although I like that song and I can relate to it--but I am speaking of the twilight zone that describes well...another dimension of time and space where things are a little skewed.

That got me to thinking about twilight---not the book about sparkling 90-year-old vampires with teenage angst---but the adjective used to describe a period of gradual decline. I have heard of someone being referred to as being in the twilight of their lives...this is to mean they are declining in years---their time is waning like the sunlight at the end of day.

That got me to thinking about where I am in my life. Perhaps I am in the afternoon of my life---my kids would probably say late afternoon judging by their sometimes harsh reminders of my age . Afternoon...just after lunch--a good time to take a walk and ponder the events of a morning that seems to be both minutes away and almost part of another day. Afternoon...a time to feel a pressing need to get things done while daylight is burning--to revel in the long stretching out of the day. Afternoon...a time to think about the coming evening which could hold excitement bathed in moonlight and stars or long hours of quietly apprehensive darkness or probably both. Afternoon...a good time for a light snack and a quick nap...

Did you know that twilight zone also refers to the lowest level of the ocean to which light can penetrate? (I admit to referring frequently to the dictionary---it is a wonderful place that I have enjoyed visiting ever since I learned to read) Perhaps it is wise to not go deeper than light can penetrate--either in exploring the depths of the ocean or the depths of thought...Hmmm...

Here is a totally unrelated thought (I know you are not surprised in the least--or in the most)
The TSA is testing a more polite body scanning software for airports. Could the body scanners double as medical scanners then at least if we have to have our privacy invaded to protect us we could find out if we have any health concerns...
More thoughts to come on suggestions for airport security...
Have a wonderful day whatever part of the day you claim!

Surfaces

Well it has been almost ten months since I last posted my blog. Ten months----that is about 304 days. I will not try to begin to explain the long absence only that I have thought about coming back for quite some time. It is amazing how sometimes when we try to get back to something it is like those dreams when we are trying to make it somewhere but we keep getting lost somewhere else...

A (somewhat ) quick summary of impressions of life since August...
We got to see the Grand Canyon and it was indeed grand. As I sat on a bench at a view area just shy of the north rim visitor's center I kept wondering what it must have been like to come upon such a sight, when the canyon was as yet undiscovered by the masses, without any warning---to be riding along a flat mesa and then suddenly see the ground fall away to reveal something so beautiful and so scary. I admit to feeling very unsettled ( a gentle word to describe gut- churning fear) when close to drop-offs...just ask my kids how many times I told them to not get too close to the edge. (Ten yards is approaching too close)

The Grand Canyon got me thinking about how hard it is to absorb really breathtaking sights. I think the problem lies in the fact that by merely looking at something we just scratch the surface. To really appreciate the Grand Canyon I would need to stay there and learn more about its history and explore it more thoroughly. I would need to touch more of its surfaces and look at it from the bottom of the canyon and wind my way through it on the river.

I think when we try to take in the beauty of something or someone we touch on an awareness of how short our time is here compared to how long is our existence and you combine that with a spirit-deep desire to do more than scratch the surface and you get part of the source of human frustration..we seem to spend so much time in this mortal moment realizing we have only begun to scratch the surface of living and understanding...

---The Grand Canyon wasn't as grand as being reunited with our daughter after she had been working out of state for the summer. It was the longest time she had been far from the nest and she got a taste of flying on her own. I think she found it both exhilarating and scary. It all added up to growing.

---I got to see the area close to where my piece of inherited property is---yes I am a landowner. The property could be developed maybe in another fifty to a hundred years or so --but right now I am the proud owner of a piece of desert sprinkled with a few Joshua trees. My parcel of land sits within a 'development' that never really developed. There were lots of dirt roads with names on signs---kind of like some one had zoned a mirage--either some one's dream or perhaps some one's hungry dream of getting rich that fed on the dreams of many people. But it is mine and perhaps it will be the location of a dream home for some of my posterity---it could happen.

---Speaking of dreams---we got to travel a section of route 66 getting our kicks listening to Simon and Garfunkel's greatest hits and even singing along as we drove down a sadly lack-luster memory lane even more memorable to our parents' generation. Our youngest daughter was pretty much disgusted by the music and just didn't understand the big deal about a long highway littered with tacky tourist traps. How many young hopers and dreamers had gone down that road? So much windblown hair and so many tunes on the radio...tire track upon tire track embedded in the asphalt...

---Summer turned to fall. I do find joy and beauty in every season but I am partial to fall. I love the cool crisp feel of the air with its earthy smell and the deep gold of the sunshine. I love the first time I put on a sweater and relish its warmth. We didn't have to buy pumpkins for Halloween. We used the three small ones that we grew. I froze some beets, used up the carrots, and froze several bags of tomatoes (which I just used last week to make some spaghetti sauce) We had a very small harvest and I am sure many grand gardeners would have smiled if not laughed at the satisfaction I felt over such feeble results. It did feel good to clear the ground and turn the soil--preparing for new growth.


---Our youngest daughter decided to have a party at the park for her birthday. She had a good time and her dad and I had a good time rubbing shoulders with youth at its fresh-faced exuberant best as we chaperoned. Her big sister helped out and hung out quite content and confident in her role of 'the big sister who goes to college'. Our youngest daughter likes to do things a bit differently than the norm so she had smores instead of cake and ice-cream and she even had a random uninvited guest show up in the form of a young pre-teen boy who had been at the park for football practice and apparently had not been ready to go home. He sat and watched while I put out food and put up decorations and looked like he had no intention of leaving. I was going to shoo him away but decided to chat with him. I was thankful that my sweet husband chatted with him even more and he accepted a can of pop and some snacks and even joined in with some of the games for a while before hopping on his bike and telling us goodbye. Our daughter thought it was great to have such an interesting addition to her festivities and I found myself feeling grateful that we had crossed paths with this friendly stranger for a short time on a Saturday evening in the park.


---I had the intimidating opportunity of filling out a job resume---my first in over a quarter of a century--and I felt like I was back in college trying to stretch out an answer to an essay question---trying to make it sound good. I didn't get the job but it was good practice. I have actually decided to serve a six-month service mission for my church--it will ease me back into a working environment.

---Christmas brought welcome traditions and a softened heart. I tried to not lose the gift of the Christmas spirit in all of the worldly wrappings. I tried to remember that mortal gifts are just tokens of thoughts and feelings---and that I don't have to give everyone the fondest desire of their heart on one occasion---you see every year I am prone to anxiety at Christmas---making lists, shopping, baking---wanting the perfect holiday---I run myself ragged over the wrappings and trappings and I end up almost too tired to enjoy and cherish the gift that is Christmas--the celebration of the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ---Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting father, The Prince of Peace--born in very humble circumstances with lowly beasts, shepherds, wisemen, and angels attending...that kind of says it all of how we should celebrate---in humble gratitude and joyfulness of heart---loving and cherishing and marvelling and singing. I have managed to control my anxiety a bit more each year. I love spending time with family---warming myself in the glow of the home fires that burn so brightly at Christmas.

---My husband and I got to ring in the new year this year dancing the night away...I ignored my hurting hip-- it is so sad that a hurting hip is now part of my tale of dancing---come on I didn't do that much dancing--and the fact that I am not a real good dancer--and just had fun. Dancing is definitely one of the best ways to refresh romance in a marriage and make you feel young and full of possibilities again. There was a couple at the dance celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary---still married and still dancing after more years than I have been alive---incredible.

---January is not one of my favorite months. The best things I can say about it are that it is the month our son was born, it is a month that is a view area where we can look ahead at the coming year with hope and it is a month I read a lot of books...You see after Christmas I kind of hibernate. I eat a lot of sugar---Christmas treats made me fall off of the wagon I was precariously sitting on---watch too much television (netflix is our friend)---bemoan the fact I am getting so fat(in this way it would be nice to be a bear because they purposely eat a lot and pack on the fat --of course then they don't eat all winter--maybe I could pack on the fat over Halloween and Thanksgiving and then not eat for December---or not--it wouldn't be healthy and I would miss out on egg nog and fudge)---contemplate exercising and take a lot of naps. At least January got off to a good start because we had our granddaughter over to spend the night for a late-birthday celebration. She is extremely precocious and has a wonderful imagination. I love playing with her---tea parties, hide and seek, fairies---we go on such nice adventures that tie my heart even more strongly to hers and make her special place in my heart grow wider and deeper. I look forward to more one on one time with her brother. It was so fun at her cake and ice-cream party to watch her and her little brother-- my adorable huggable grandson run around with wild abandon relishing the attention of family---truly living in the moment as only children can do so successfully and joyously.

---January is a month I want to escape--run away--hence so many books read. Proof of this came yesterday when I found myself sniffing a can of just opened tuna fish and thinking of a vacation by the ocean...kind of pathetic but a cheap vacation.

Canyons, highways, parcels of desert, harvests, celebrations, new paths---I have only scratched the surface but I have found treasures beneath...
Now I need to go face my next adventure---training for my service mission.

Take care