Well it has been almost ten months since I last posted my blog. Ten months----that is about 304 days. I will not try to begin to explain the long absence only that I have thought about coming back for quite some time. It is amazing how sometimes when we try to get back to something it is like those dreams when we are trying to make it somewhere but we keep getting lost somewhere else...
A (somewhat ) quick summary of impressions of life since August...
We got to see the Grand Canyon and it was indeed grand. As I sat on a bench at a view area just shy of the north rim visitor's center I kept wondering what it must have been like to come upon such a sight, when the canyon was as yet undiscovered by the masses, without any warning---to be riding along a flat mesa and then suddenly see the ground fall away to reveal something so beautiful and so scary. I admit to feeling very unsettled ( a gentle word to describe gut- churning fear) when close to drop-offs...just ask my kids how many times I told them to not get too close to the edge. (Ten yards is approaching too close)
The Grand Canyon got me thinking about how hard it is to absorb really breathtaking sights. I think the problem lies in the fact that by merely looking at something we just scratch the surface. To really appreciate the Grand Canyon I would need to stay there and learn more about its history and explore it more thoroughly. I would need to touch more of its surfaces and look at it from the bottom of the canyon and wind my way through it on the river.
I think when we try to take in the beauty of something or someone we touch on an awareness of how short our time is here compared to how long is our existence and you combine that with a spirit-deep desire to do more than scratch the surface and you get part of the source of human frustration..we seem to spend so much time in this mortal moment realizing we have only begun to scratch the surface of living and understanding...
---The Grand Canyon wasn't as grand as being reunited with our daughter after she had been working out of state for the summer. It was the longest time she had been far from the nest and she got a taste of flying on her own. I think she found it both exhilarating and scary. It all added up to growing.
---I got to see the area close to where my piece of inherited property is---yes I am a landowner. The property could be developed maybe in another fifty to a hundred years or so --but right now I am the proud owner of a piece of desert sprinkled with a few Joshua trees. My parcel of land sits within a 'development' that never really developed. There were lots of dirt roads with names on signs---kind of like some one had zoned a mirage--either some one's dream or perhaps some one's hungry dream of getting rich that fed on the dreams of many people. But it is mine and perhaps it will be the location of a dream home for some of my posterity---it could happen.
---Speaking of dreams---we got to travel a section of route 66 getting our kicks listening to Simon and Garfunkel's greatest hits and even singing along as we drove down a sadly lack-luster memory lane even more memorable to our parents' generation. Our youngest daughter was pretty much disgusted by the music and just didn't understand the big deal about a long highway littered with tacky tourist traps. How many young hopers and dreamers had gone down that road? So much windblown hair and so many tunes on the radio...tire track upon tire track embedded in the asphalt...
---Summer turned to fall. I do find joy and beauty in every season but I am partial to fall. I love the cool crisp feel of the air with its earthy smell and the deep gold of the sunshine. I love the first time I put on a sweater and relish its warmth. We didn't have to buy pumpkins for Halloween. We used the three small ones that we grew. I froze some beets, used up the carrots, and froze several bags of tomatoes (which I just used last week to make some spaghetti sauce) We had a very small harvest and I am sure many grand gardeners would have smiled if not laughed at the satisfaction I felt over such feeble results. It did feel good to clear the ground and turn the soil--preparing for new growth.
---Our youngest daughter decided to have a party at the park for her birthday. She had a good time and her dad and I had a good time rubbing shoulders with youth at its fresh-faced exuberant best as we chaperoned. Her big sister helped out and hung out quite content and confident in her role of 'the big sister who goes to college'. Our youngest daughter likes to do things a bit differently than the norm so she had smores instead of cake and ice-cream and she even had a random uninvited guest show up in the form of a young pre-teen boy who had been at the park for football practice and apparently had not been ready to go home. He sat and watched while I put out food and put up decorations and looked like he had no intention of leaving. I was going to shoo him away but decided to chat with him. I was thankful that my sweet husband chatted with him even more and he accepted a can of pop and some snacks and even joined in with some of the games for a while before hopping on his bike and telling us goodbye. Our daughter thought it was great to have such an interesting addition to her festivities and I found myself feeling grateful that we had crossed paths with this friendly stranger for a short time on a Saturday evening in the park.
---I had the intimidating opportunity of filling out a job resume---my first in over a quarter of a century--and I felt like I was back in college trying to stretch out an answer to an essay question---trying to make it sound good. I didn't get the job but it was good practice. I have actually decided to serve a six-month service mission for my church--it will ease me back into a working environment.
---Christmas brought welcome traditions and a softened heart. I tried to not lose the gift of the Christmas spirit in all of the worldly wrappings. I tried to remember that mortal gifts are just tokens of thoughts and feelings---and that I don't have to give everyone the fondest desire of their heart on one occasion---you see every year I am prone to anxiety at Christmas---making lists, shopping, baking---wanting the perfect holiday---I run myself ragged over the wrappings and trappings and I end up almost too tired to enjoy and cherish the gift that is Christmas--the celebration of the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ---Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting father, The Prince of Peace--born in very humble circumstances with lowly beasts, shepherds, wisemen, and angels attending...that kind of says it all of how we should celebrate---in humble gratitude and joyfulness of heart---loving and cherishing and marvelling and singing. I have managed to control my anxiety a bit more each year. I love spending time with family---warming myself in the glow of the home fires that burn so brightly at Christmas.
---My husband and I got to ring in the new year this year dancing the night away...I ignored my hurting hip-- it is so sad that a hurting hip is now part of my tale of dancing---come on I didn't do that much dancing--and the fact that I am not a real good dancer--and just had fun. Dancing is definitely one of the best ways to refresh romance in a marriage and make you feel young and full of possibilities again. There was a couple at the dance celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary---still married and still dancing after more years than I have been alive---incredible.
---January is not one of my favorite months. The best things I can say about it are that it is the month our son was born, it is a month that is a view area where we can look ahead at the coming year with hope and it is a month I read a lot of books...You see after Christmas I kind of hibernate. I eat a lot of sugar---Christmas treats made me fall off of the wagon I was precariously sitting on---watch too much television (netflix is our friend)---bemoan the fact I am getting so fat(in this way it would be nice to be a bear because they purposely eat a lot and pack on the fat --of course then they don't eat all winter--maybe I could pack on the fat over Halloween and Thanksgiving and then not eat for December---or not--it wouldn't be healthy and I would miss out on egg nog and fudge)---contemplate exercising and take a lot of naps. At least January got off to a good start because we had our granddaughter over to spend the night for a late-birthday celebration. She is extremely precocious and has a wonderful imagination. I love playing with her---tea parties, hide and seek, fairies---we go on such nice adventures that tie my heart even more strongly to hers and make her special place in my heart grow wider and deeper. I look forward to more one on one time with her brother. It was so fun at her cake and ice-cream party to watch her and her little brother-- my adorable huggable grandson run around with wild abandon relishing the attention of family---truly living in the moment as only children can do so successfully and joyously.
---January is a month I want to escape--run away--hence so many books read. Proof of this came yesterday when I found myself sniffing a can of just opened tuna fish and thinking of a vacation by the ocean...kind of pathetic but a cheap vacation.
Canyons, highways, parcels of desert, harvests, celebrations, new paths---I have only scratched the surface but I have found treasures beneath...
Now I need to go face my next adventure---training for my service mission.
Take care
